Bullied bullies bully

 

First they laugh

 

Then they look

 

Then they get nasty, sometimes the nasty feels like for ever

 

but then they copy.  They always copy

 

 

 

What you can do if you are being bullied?

 

Generally, nothing!

No one else will tell you this and I don’t know why.  It’s pretty clear and pretty simple.  At the time of being bullied the victim of bullying is almost powerless.  That is why the bully can do what they do and get away with it time after time. If there was a simple answer or a proven system to counteract bullies, there would already be, no more bullies.

 

I say “almost” because there are things you can do beforehand, and afterwards to deal with the situation and there are always exceptions to rules.

 

 

 

- Laws don’t work!

 

- School programs don’t work!

 

- Advertising campaigns don’t work!

 

 

 

As a society, we’ve tried all that, and anecdotally, I think it’s getting worse.

 

 

 

I did an anti-bullying seminar at a school recently.  I had an entire grade in front to me and asked 3 questions to start off.

 

Q1- Put your hand up if you have ever been bullied.  

 

A1- All 75 students and All 8 teachers put their hands up.

 

 

 

Q2- Put your hands up if you have been bullied by a student in this group.  

 

A2- 75 students PLUS the 8 teachers all put their hands up again

 

 

 

Q3- Close your eyes and put your hands up if you have bullied anyone on this group.  

 

A3- Zero hands!

 

 

 

One way to deal with bullies is violence.  Fire against fire.

 

All bullies have an off button. You only need one technique that will stop most bullies cold.

 

Unfortunately (or ‘fortunately’ for those like me inclined to non-violence) if you try this;

 

1. you could get suspended from school, expelled, or if you’re an adult, arrested. 

 

2. there is always a chance that the bully can fight and will give you a good belting for your trouble.  In my experience, this is only about 1 in 10, but there is still a chance.

 

If you want to use violence to stop a bully, I can’t stop you but I would beg you to look for alternatives. 

 

Apart from the risks mentioned above, the greater risk is that you will become a bully too.  It’s easier than you think.

 

 

 

What is bullying?

 

There are lots of definitions:

 

1. Aggressive physical contact, words or actions to cause another person injury or discomfort.

 

2. A pattern of deliberately harming and humiliating others involving a real or perceived power imbalance

 

3. repeated behaviour that is harmful, is aimed at a certain person or group of people and embarrasses, dominates or intimidates somebody or a group of people.

 

 

 

One thing for sure though, every bully learned it from another bully. All bullies were once (or still are)  bullied.

 

Most bullies don’t realise that what they are doing is wrong

 

Bullies generally aren’t bad people, they just learned some bad habits. Once you accept than and forgive them, you can start to look at von violent resolutions.

 

 

 

Why is bullying getting worse?

 

I believe that bullying is a natural behaviour. It is a fast and effective way to establish a hierarchy and social structure. It can establish conformity within a group and empower leaders with superior strengths and will.  These structures can be beneficial, when we lived in caves and hunted sabre tooth tigers and needed powerful instant leaders so that we could act as a cohesive unit. But we don’t live in caves any more. We killed all of the sabre tooth tigers already and there are better ways to create social structure, such as the recognition and implementation of human rights.

 

Bullying behaviours have a high pay off and no perceived penalties.  It’s a good bet.

 

 

 

Here is 3 things you never knew about bullies.

 

1. they are always angry about something

 

2. their anger comes from a fear or insecurity.

 

3. the act of bullying gives the bully an adrenalin buzz. It makes them feel good. 

 

 

 

When you get bullied it is generally because: 

 

• they see something in you that they fear in themselves, ( that they might become) or 

 

• they see something in you that they fear  (they feel a primitive urge to suppress you )

 

 

 

That’s right, the bully is afraid of you! Specifically, your differences & possibly your strengths.

 

When they bully you, they feel better about themselves.  They have addressed a fear and in most cases elevated their position in the primitive social hierarchy. The one they created in their own mind, to justify their behaviours. In a lot of cases, and in my own personal experiences, bullying sometimes doesn’t even seem like bullying, it just seems like survival.  If a bully doesn’t bully someone else, someone other person will bully them.

 

Bullies almost never get caught. They usually do their work with several of their supporters (I call them enablers) present and when you are alone. They never act when there are authority figures present. If they get reported after the fact, the bullying interactions are so subjective that they could easily deny them or worse, twist the interaction to put the blame on you.  Remember there are several of them and only one of you.  Your lone word, against the word of several.

 

To summarise;

 

• It feels natural & good

 

• There is a high immediate pay off  -  addressing a fear, suppressing a rival

 

• There is a high long term pay off -  perceived elevation in status or social hierarchy

 

• There is no down side - little chance of getting caught or penalised

 

 

 

So now you can see how that flimsy school anti bully program was never going to work!  It does not address any of the above!

 

I really think it has made things worse specifically because the ineffective anti bully programs have been proven to not work and the message sent to bullies is that they can now operate with impunity. 

 

 

 

Is the rubbish you get told to stop bullying ever going to work?

 

Well it feels like rubbish when an adult or authority tells you that you can solve bullying by just following some simple steps.

 

 

 

Here are some basics that all the experts seem to agree on:

 

“Take it seriously”

 

This one I agree with, but all of the so-called experts miss the first and most important one.

 

“Understand that you are being bullied!”

 

Once a bully has gotten started, it is too late for most evasive responses!  The earlier you can perceive that you are being bullied, the more options you have and the more time you have to prepare.  Oh yeah, you can prepare!

 

Getting back to “taking it seriously”.  

 

Record it. Write it down, Tell a friend, Tell an adult. Write a report. take screen shots. Take photos. Better still, all of the above.   Understand that you are being bullied and it is going to get worse.

 

“A bullied child should talk to their parents”

 

This extract is from a recognised authority on anti-bullying: “It’s important your child knows they don’t have to deal with the problem alone. Try to get a solid understanding of the situation and the behaviours your child is experiencing. Then, discuss strategies. You might decide to set a short period of time for your child to try to resolve the situation by walking away, saying “No” firmly, talking to a teacher or guidance counsellor, or trying other strategies to diffuse the situation.”

 

Whoever wrote it has a problem with reality and has likely never experienced the torment of being bullied. In theory, it is all correct. You will need the most well-adjusted child and the parent degree in psychology to implement it.

 

walking away, saying “No” firmly,    This piece of advice alone could well be enough to enrage the bully and provoke a violent attack.

 

“Stay calm and positive”   “use humour to deflect the bullying”

 

These are both Impossible without very specific training.  Anyone who has been seriously bullied will tell you this.

 

 “Report the bullying”

 

Reporting to the school does not seem to do much but it is essential.  Parents of the bully victim should do the reporting, in person, to the highest authority available in the school.  Schools have a duty of care toward students. Principals should be reminded of that on a regular basis

 

“Help your child build their confidence and social skills”

 

Agreed, but this only works if you do this before any bullying, and if the parent knows how to do this. Most have no clue. (Sorry parents, but you know its true)

 

 

 

What does it feel like to be bullied?

 

It can mess with your head & bullies know it!  Remember they were bullied too. It’s different for everyone but some of the worst things that happen are all related to the over-production of stress hormones. Every time you think of the past events or possible future events, your body can responds as if it is really happening. 

 

Then to add to this problem, you can’t stop thinking about it.  No matter how hard you try, you will keep going back to the memory of the event or the prediction of a future event. It’s like you brain is sabotaging you by repeatedly hitting the replay button on a song you don’t like.

 

Believe it or not, this is normal.  If you know it is happening, you can use it to your advantage. It does go away by itself but while we have it, let’s use the stress hormones it produces for some good outcome. 

 

 

 

What is the real solution?

 

Recognise that you are being bullied.  

 

Most people miss the start and then they are stuck in the cycle until it plays out. There is a cycle.  It will end by itself if left alone, but if you know the path, you can survive it better.

 

    “First they laugh, 

 

     then they look.”

 

Bullies will often garner support from their enablers &/or justify their own actions by poking fun. They will isolate your differences and try to make you feel that those differences  are weaknesses.   

 

They will take a very careful look at who you are and what you are doing. They will size you up and may even ask questions or do research on you or get their henchmen (enablers) to spy or report on you.  Yeah I know, ....... it sounds a lot like "stalking"

 

 

 

Prepare

 

If you catch bullying early you may be able to avoid the rest of the cycle.  I know this sounds like running away, because that’s exactly what it is.  If it is physical bullying, don’t go to the places where the bully is likely to be and if you do, make sure you are with someone else or there are authority persons there at all time. If possible, cut off all contact.  Than means “all” contact. BOTH WAYS. Say nothing to them, do nothing to them and do not react if they contact you. If it is cyber bullying, unfriend, block and delete.  Cyberbullying is much easier to prove, so if you miss the start, take lots of screen shots and keep them for later when you take it to the police.  You need to make yourself invisible. I understand that this is a restriction on your rights, and why should you be restricted because someone else is doing the wrong thing.  This is why  -   "because this works"  AND "nothing else works as well".  When you figure out a nonviolent solution that works better, please let me know.

 

 

 

      “then they get nasty”

 

 

 

If you miss the starting signs of bullying and don’t go invisible, they will get nasty.  They always get nasty and it seems like forever. You may get beat up, physically or emotionally or both.  This is going to sound like too much tough love but you are going to need to wear that. I recommend running away.

 

While the act of bullying is happening, you are powerless. Unless you have spent years practicing martial arts, you may not be able to fight back effectively. Bullies normally pick on people they have sized up and think they can better. They are often bigger and stronger and likely have more experience in violence &/or social manipulation than you.  On top of that, expertise in most martial arts won’t save you.  Very few martial arts schools actually teach you how to fight or defend or self-protect. (there is a difference)  Some do, but good luck to you the novice in picking which is which.  You are just as likely to get sucked in to your local McDojo & spend $1000s learning junk techniques. Sorry, you won’t have a clue until it’s too late.  Here are a sample of obvious signs, 1. non-contact only, 2. lots of expensive badges 3. lots of cash gradings where no one fails, 4. lots of talk and little action. The list goes on. Contact me directly if you want some advice here.   I have seen just too many high ranking martial artists get beaten up, and then cheekily, keep on teaching the same rubbish that didn’t work in a real fight. 

 

So here it is in 2 words; "wear it". Protect yourself as best you can. If it is physically violent, fight back or defend yourself if you can, but the likelihood is that you are going to get beat up or hurt physically or emotionally.  Wear it, like a badge. "Own it" if you can.  

 

If there are witnesses that will back you up, report it to the police. Don’t expect the police to solve the problem for you.

 

The only strategy that has ever worked for me during a bullying episode is this:  

 

• Focus on your values. 

 

• Limit your interactions ( to zero if possible, as in "be quite", say nothing! not even body language!)

 

• Wait  - “Time” is the great equaliser

 

 

 

Focusing on your values during a bullying encounter is hard. Firstly, you need to have some values and know what they are and how they work. Then you need to practice the focus part.   If you don’t have any values yet, I’ll give you one of mine until you can get some more or tailor some to suit your sensibilities. 

 

 

 

       “Do to others what you would have them do to you or a loved one”

 

 

 

If you take this as a value, then you can see that even if you have the expertise and training in fighting arts, you shouldn’t beat up the bully even if you could, because if you were unknowingly a bully, you wouldn’t want to get beat up would you?

 

If you were accidentally or unknowingly a bully, what would you want to happen to you?

 

Remember the school anti bullying seminar I mentioned at the beginning?  83 people bullied including teachers, all bullied by someone in the very same group, but no one wanted to admit they were a bully.  In reality there was probably many bullies in that group, they just didn’t realise that they were bullies.  To a bully, it can seem very much like survival and not bullying. The others were probably too embarrassed once they realised.

 

The important thing here is that you must always remember that you can’t change the past.  

 

Once a bullying encounter is over you must quickly move to the next part of the cycle or it will start messing with your mind and stress hormones and this is much more damaging than anything the bully can do directly.

 

 

 

Forgive

 

If you can not forgive the bully, your replay button will go into overdrive.  You might also multiply the mind game problem by imagining scenarios of revenge. This is the most destructive and harmful thing you can do to yourself.

 

 

 

Focus

 

Your values come back into play here too.  “A bullied child should talk to their parents” Yes, but you must focus on your values.  You can’t change the bully’s behaviours. You can’t make your differences go away. The things that the bully has decided to isolate about you and call them weaknesses, you can’t change these things and nor should you. These are what make you, you.  These may well be the things that become your greatest strengths.  

 

Changing who you are? The bully wins.

 

Focus on who you are now. Keep yourself busy with this. 

 

If you feel unencouraged, encourage others

 

If you feel unhelped or helpless, help others

 

If you feel unmotivated ….. you get the picture!

 

Most importantly, get your values straight. Practice and rehearse them.  Apply them to various scenarios and see how they play out. How would a scenario play out without applying your values? Compare. Practice. Rehearse. Forgive

 

 

 

Plan 

 

It is highly likely that you will get bullied again, but next time, you will be ready. 

 

Focus on your values and who you are. 

 

It makes a huge difference in your attitude and persona.

 

This translates to positive body language without you even knowing

 

 

 

If it is physical bullying, don’t go to the places where the bully is likely to be. Remember, no contact rules still apply.

 

If a chance meeting occurs, completely ignore them, not even eye contact. 

 

If you have no choice, school etc, make sure you are with a friend. Prepare your friend and ensure you have a strategy that fits your values.  Plan to be in the presence of authority persons at all times.   Make sure they are aware of the potential problems.

 

The mobile phone is the most fearsome weapon of modern times. Getting your friend to take a step back and taking a few snaps of an encounter could be an effective emergency strategy.  It could however put your friend in the sights of the bully.  

 

Your strategy will have to be carefully planned to suit your circumstances.

 

 

 

Wait

 

That’s it.  Just wait.  When bullies can not get that buzz from you, most* of them will tire and move on.

 

Some of them eventually realize that they are bullies and that they don’t like bullies and just stop being a bully

 

You do your thing.  Embrace and treasure the things that make you who you are.

 

Live by your values and encourage good behaviours to others.

 

Forgive your bullies and lead by example

 

 

 

     “Then they copy”

 

 

 

The only truly positive resolution to a bullying encounter is when you catch your bully trying to be a little more like you.

 

Some will copy your behaviours or values and more. Take this as a compliment.

 

The first time I saw this I thought it was too strange to be true. But don’t forget, the bully initially picked on you because they identified something in you that they recognised in themselves.  The next time it happened I was curious and the time after bewildered. I’ve seen this exact same behaviour in school age bullying, from both sides, workplace bullying, corporate bullying (we call that marketing), and on large and small scales, they always end up copying.

 

This is when you win.  

 

Be gracious please.  Help them to be a better non-bully.

 

Remember not to laugh at them! Remember what happened when they laughed at you?

 

 

 

*Most of them!  For some bullies this does not apply.  Some bullies are a little more psychopathic and their fears and bad habits are too deep for you to ever do anything about. These people are generally severely narcissistic, know they are bullies and like it and this end-game will not be effective.  This category of bully needs some special treatment.  (This is a different conversation)   

 

 

 

** I realise that this text is going to get copied.   Thanks, that's a nice compliment. I didn't write this to make money so feel free to use it as long as it is given for free.  It would be really nice if you gave me some credit, like a link to my site www.innercircleacademy.com.au  or a link to the article, or my name (Peter Athey) but again I am relying on your integrity here.  If you have questions or comments, please send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..  

 

 

 

By the way, there is a way to stop bullies. The problem is, the victim cant do it.  There are 4 parties involved in an act of bullying.  The bully, the victim, the enabler and the bystander.  The only person that can stop the bullying is the bystander.  There are some specific things that work well.  Don't try this stuff at home, you will get hurt.  I'm happy to do a free seminar at your school or workplace on how to introduce the 5th player and teach 'bystanders' how to become effective 'activists'.

Seriously, try this without training, you will get hurt